hi its me sinder duh. i havent written this in a while. i havent felt like it. the big thanksgiving feast seems like a million years ago. o my god we had pie real pie. we’re all hungry now and any memory of food is torture. someone told me they ate a rat and you know what i was thinking? i was thinking it sounded good and i was jealous. i was all like um how did you cook it?

we were such idiots. no one even realized all the fresh food and meat and all was going bad and there wasnt as much canned stuff as you probably think. people are searching the whole town. roscoe is on one of the official search teams. i guess i am on an unofficial one because i busted through a screen porch to get into a house no one else had searched. i found crackers and i ate like half before i even thought about sharing.

roscoe and me i guess thats over. hes kind of a jerk now and he moved out so hes living with some boys in another house. jezzie and trent are back together though. its weird because in the big battle roscoe thought he was being a coward or whatever and so now hes trying to act all tough hanging with just boys.

trent is different. he hates what he did and hates caine and hates drake especially. so hes like i am not that guy anymore i will never be that guy again. hes reading the bible and all which is too much for me but better than being with that psycho drake.

i hate him im sorry i know i shouldn’t hate someone not even drake but i do.

i volunteered to try and pick some veggies in the fields tomorrow. at least maybe well get something healthy to eat.

this boy charlie was talking to me. i told him about goth and all and he didnt make fun of it or me. i told him it wasnt about death or anything because i have totally seen death now and believe me thats not it. it was about not being what all of society told me to be. pretty and a fashionista and all that.

but no one cares really. thats all kind of old world. outside world stuff.

now its all just about food and staying safe. trying not to be scared all the time.

charlie was nice. hes going to pick veggies too. i hope we get to work together because it will be nice having someone to talk to. sinder the vegetable picker. whatever.

i have this tooth thats really hurting. not like loose like a baby tooth like hurting kind of bad. some kid told me lana could help and someone else said no she cant. i dont exactly know what to do if it keeps hurting this bad.

i found her. jezzie. shes alive shes alive. i found her at the so called hospital where dahra baidoo who is like a saint i swear was taking care of her. she was hurt but it wasnt life threatening it was just painful. she got hit by a piece of wood that caine threw. the piece of wood was like this massive beam but it just scraped her side and shoulder. it burns and hurts but dahra bandaged it and shes waiting for lana to get to her.

i cant even think about what would have happened without lana. before this i didnt know she had the power to just heal people. its crazy to watch. like watching a miracle right in front of your eyes. but she cant fix dead people.

i didnt count the graves. but there were a lot.

i hate this place. i hate the fayz.

its almost thanksgiving. yeah we have so much to be thankful for. how about a bunch of dead kids and my best friend gritting her teeth and trying to be brave and saying no, no, take care of someone else.

roscoe showed up. i kind of dont want to talk about him because i dont want to say anything about how he acted. what can i say. he was scared. so was i. he ran away. now i know he feels so bad about that but he wont talk about it.

i want to say roscoe of course you were scared. i was scared too. caine was hurling all kinds of stuff and sam was shooting like fire out of his hands. i cant even believe it even now. i was so scared i wanted to die and roscoe i would have run away too except i was too paralyzed.

roscoe i didnt decide to like you because i thought you were some big hero. and anyway youll be brave next time.

he wont talk to me. hes just quiet and he wont look me in the eyes. its hard for him because everyone looks up to sam so much for standing up to caine. kids even kind of like orc for fighting drake.

i saw all that happen. im not thinking about whether someone was a hero im thinking it was so awful so terrible. it makes my insides clench up like someones twisting my stomach. it hurts. the coyotes especially. but the guns too. and sam and caine and drake with his whip arm and really really even as im typing this my throat cant swallow and my heart wants to stop beating.

no wonder roscoe ran. thats what i should say to him. no wonder you ran away i wish i had i wish id never seen it. god if i could cut the memory out of my brain i would.

but part of that is the memory of roscoe running away. and thats a big thing in his head right now too. it doesnt help that trent that creep that sick freak didnt run away.

i wish i knew how to help trent. but i dont know how to help myself right now.

in my whole life ive never seen anyone die. i never really thought about it. i.

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okay starting over. trying to get this down because i cant have it in my brain and not get it down okay. if you knew what i saw.

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third try. third try. its been a couple of hours since it all happened. i think i can write it now. i think im ready. my fingers were too shaky before. and i felt like i was going to throw up. i felt like i wanted to throw up like i had to get rid of whatever was inside me like it would make me clean again.

but im not ever going to be clean again. its always going to be in my head and i almost want it there because i dont want to forget i dont want those poor kids not to be remembered.

its not about me. i dont want to act like its all me my mine because i was just there and that was bad so freaking bad so awful but those kids. i can hear the backhoe. i can hear the engine. its what edilio uses to dig the graves. god how does he do it. i mean seriously god if you exist if you see all this how does edilio go out there and dig those graves for those little children. i cant even type and hes digging graves.

i dont know how many. i dont want to know. theres no number low enough.

i heard someone say theyre going to pile up the dead coyotes and burn them. good. burn them. burn them and after you burn them burn them some more. i wish i believed more in religion and in hell because there ought to be a hell for what happened today. for what the coyotes did to those children. and caine. caine and drake.

caine. and you know who was with him. trent. i saw him. trent was on caines side in the battle or massacre or disaster or whatever were going to call it. nightmare. maybe thats the word.

and poor roscoe. he was so scared. thats why he ran. its not his fault. he hasnt come back yet.

lanas out there now taking care of the injured kids. i should help. i started to. i mean i was going to. but then i saw this boy and he. and i can’t tell you about it because it makes me want to throw up and a lot worse it makes me fill up with rage like burning lava inside me and i want to grab a gun and go shoot caine and shoot drake. i think i would kill them if i could.

they did that to me. filled me up with hate.

i need help. i need my mom. i need someone. but jezzies not even home yet. i should look for her. if i go out on the street i dont know what i will find. i dont know and that scares me. if i find jezzie hurt or killed im afraid i will burn up with rage.
im losing myself.