so i made out with roscoe and i don’t mean to go all teen romance but it was really really really great. if i was a better writer i could probably come up with some better word but im not duh so all i can say is i would do it again any time.

like right now? i would absolutely like to be kissing him. this is so not the way i am in real life but since im not ever going to let my friends read this and probably no one will ever read this and anyway i have to tell someone. that’s not even a sentence is it? i don’t care because i am liking the way I feel ok? so whatever.

he has very soft lips. and yah there was tongue omg. but nothing else because roscoe is very gentle and not at all pushy and whatever.

i know i know i keep saying whatever and i keep saying omg and i don’t even talk that way but i don’t know what else to say because i have never felt this way at all which is in love.
i guess. i mean whatever. i guess this is what it feels like. how would i know? how does anyone know? aaaarrrrggggh.

deep breath there sinder, get a grip. but this all happened like just ten minutes ago maybe so my heart is still having a heart attack and my face feels all hot and im pretty sure i am having my own global warming.

no seriously calm down sinder. only see i don’t want to calm down I want to go and find him and do it some more because I liked it. but i guess you figured that out right?

maybe I would only roscoe is going out to see if alberts macdonalds is open and get us some burgers or whatever because we don’t have any food left here in the house. trent keeps taking too much of the food and jezzie is like ‘what am i supposed to do?’ and im like ‘tell him to stop’ and she lookes at me like im an idiot because i don’t think anyone is saying no to trent anymore.

which sucks and is crazy like everything is crazy including how i feel which is halfway like im going to hurl and halfway like omg really good.

must fight the urge to draw little love hearts with my name and roscoes name in them because that would be even too lame for me.

okay, one more time: oh. my. god.

roscoe kissed me. i dont think he even meant to but he did. its not like it’s the first time i was ever kissed. okay it kind of was. it felt very weird. and my lipstick got on him and made me laugh and i think maybe that hurt his feelings a little bit and so as usual i screwed up. duh sinder. i am such a moron sometimes. it was not a big deal no one was getting serious you know?

trent didn’t see it. i told jezzie and she was like don’t tell trent and i said why not. and she said he wont like it. and i said who cares what he likes anyway and she said he kind of scares me.

he scares me too.

a lot scares me lately. a kid got practically killed in church when the cross fell on him and kids are saying it was caine and that caine can do things like that.

i have these nightmares lately where i am all alone except that someone is always watching me. and whats so sad is i started thinking maybe trents not totally wrong carrying that pipe of his around. maybe i should get something like that too. i mean there are even guns around in peoples homes you know. and i get scared and i think whoa calm down there sinder. i mean seriously? im going to get a gun? not happening.

but whats so weirding me out is even thinking about it you know? thinking about i better have some kind of weapon or something because there is just this bad feeling now.

i read this book once called dune. in dune you know what they said? fear is the mind killer. fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. theres a whole big pile of fear around this fayz.

i have jezzie and i have roscoe and i talk to jezzie and i think about roscoe. a lot okay? Roscoe doesn’t have any kind of weapon or whatever because he says he doesn’t want to go down that path. hes very kind of mature i guess. hes smart and sweet and he doesn’t want to be some guy with a stick in his hand all the time like trent.

LATER

oh my god bette was killed. orc killed her. he hit her with a baseball bat. oh my god oh my god. and its not like there are cops or 911 or anything.

i went and got a knife from the kitchen. im carrying it right now. i mean its on the desk while im typing but its right there and i am looking at it. and i don’t want it. but what am i supposed to do? im scared. this is a different scared than i was already because this is like kids can do something worse than just punch each other out after school or whatever this is like kids can actually kill each other.

bette was always nice to me. i wish i knew her better. or maybe i don’t wish that. because i guess her friends must be so sad right now.

i never in my life thought i could be this lonely. i just seem to sit around all day watching old dvds and listening to music and all. i guess if you knew me youd think it was pretty weird of me to say it but i actually miss school.

that’s right its me sinder saying i miss school.

the only good thing is jezzie and me are still getting along. but trent and roscoe are totally not. trent seems like maybe hes not really goth anymore which is okay i mean that’s his choice and all. but instead hes suddenly all into caine and whats going on with all those coates kids.

people are saying kids are going all xmen. like kids are having these powers. i havent seen any yet but jezzie has. she says she saw a kid make something float in the air. i guess it was a trick or whatever but who knows. jezzie is pretty smart. and she wouldnt lie to me. but she might have been tricked.

trent is all like we need someone to be in charge and tell everyone what to do. i mean does that sound goth to you. me neither.

mostly i think trent is just jealous of roscoe. the other day roscoe made me toast using the last of the fresh bread. and he gave it to me. and so trent said roscoe was sucking up to me and he liked me.

i dont think so. anyway why would trent care? hes into jezzie who is my best friend so why would trent care if roscoe does like me not that i think he does.

i don’t trust caine. orc is with him now. and orc is a total bully.

im just this mix of bad feelings and some good feelings. mostly bad. i miss my mom and school and im starting to wonder if its always going to keep being like this all lonely.

trent has started walking around with a piece of pipe that’s like three feet long. he put tape around one end so he could hold onto it. he says hes just getting ready to protect jezzie and me. but he likes that pipe too much. he never puts it down.

i don’t like the way trent looks when he has that pipe. he looks like orc.

and i feel like hes always watching me.